So here’s what’s up. Real talk.
I love Ecuador so much. I love being here and working here. More than ever before in my life, these past few months in Ecuador have been a time for me of discovering potential within myself that I never expected to find.
However, I have also never been so unrooted. It’s both being here in Ecuador and also this post-grad stage of life… I have never felt so free to choose any path that I could want for myself. And on the one hand, that’s great! It is refreshing and inspiring to know that I could be or do ANYTHING in my very near future.
But on the other hand, I am reminded that freedom does not necessarily mean having a great array of options to choose from. Think about it… when do we often feel the most free with others? When we are in love with them, unconditionally so. Such relationships often mean that we have a very limited scope of “options”.. we are expected to behave in certain ways, and we do, because we are in love. We are restricted, but beautifully so; our restriction permits a freedom of heart that we could never otherwise experience. I think that has a lot to tell us about life in general… we are not the most free when we have the most possibilities laid out in front of us.
As I’ve stared ahead to see this all before me, I have trembled with both joy and fear at the opportunity to choose to be anyone and anything that I could ever want, and more. I have flirted with the idea of becoming something totally NOT me; I have wondered what it would be like to be someone totally different. I have even tried to be someone totally different, to results that have been… well… heartbreaking and painful.
This road with a million forks slices open the landscape in front of me. What is next? Who am I in this place and where do I go from here? I am reminded that I am the most free when I am the most myself that I can possibly be. And who is that exactly? I’m still not 100% certain, but this much I know… I am first and foremost a daughter of God and a child of light. Living this identity can be so hard… but as I press into these beautiful truths– that I am loved jealously, that I am loved more that I could ever understand, that I am worth dying for– I am soaked in the freedom that I seek.
Father God, who do you say that I am?